Getting into the holiday spirit

Reprint of 2007 column (I stand by every word).

By: GORDON GLANTZ

Never wanting to be a slave unto another man's calendar, I've always created my own holidays for happenings such as the release of a new album or to properly mourn a painful Eagles' loss that might make me so mad that I'd pull a gun on another motorist.

A lot of you are not as creative. You are off tomorrow and you are not even giving a second thought - let alone a first - as to why.

As you are shopping for half-price toasters and 2-for-1 schmatas, you are armed with fliers with pictures of our two most famous presidents. Hence, you know the holiday has something to do with them.

Yes, next up on the list of holidays with diminished importance in our culture is something we call Presidents' Day.

And in keeping with the faint holiday spirit, I have culled together the following lists of the five best and worst presidents in the short-but-intriguing history of our nation:

Five Best


5) Bill Clinton - That's right, Bill Clinton. There was an episode of Star Trek where Captain Kirk, as Captain Kirk was apt to do, became a literal star-crossed lover in a long-distance relationship doomed to fail. To help ease his heartbreak, Spock put his hand over Kirk's bowed head and said "forget." If Spock came out of retirement from his over-155 retirement community on Vulcan and made you all forget the Monica Lewinsky situation, how would Clinton's presidency be evaluated? If it were allowable to run for more than two terms, he would have won again. But we don't do that here. We don't have kings. Or do we?

4) Theodore Roosevelt - Sure, he told some tall tales about his military service, but he was still "fit to serve" as president at a crucial time in our history when a growing number of immigrants were ripe for exploitation. Teddy was a big man for the "little man," as he was influenced by the heroic muckrakers (journalists and writers who endeavored to unmask empire-like businesses, their arrogant abuses and the corrupt politicians who enabled them). That's enough to crack my Big Five any day.

3) George Washington - There are a lot of myths surrounding the father of our country - the largest being that he, and he alone, is the father of our country (the legacies of Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson and Thomas Paine should demand DNA tests) - but he is the first true American hero. And GW set the bar high. They could've and would've called him king, but he knew that's not why he had fought the Revolutionary War - winning with France's help - and refused that title.

2) Abraham Lincoln - Tough call not putting honest Abe No. 1. The only thing keeping him from that top spot was that thorny issue of having half the nation hate his guts. Then again, they did so because he threatened a lifestyle that went against everything in this country's intended blueprint. A lesser man would have left us with a fractured America.

1) Franklin Delano Roosevelt - Guided us through The Great Depression and most of World War II. Elected to a third term out of necessity, FDR proved the adage that it all starts at the top and trickles down from there. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." You can say that again. Go ahead, say it.


Notably Missing: John F. Kennedy. Whenever you are a public figure and die young, your legacy will morph into one of mystique. Yes, his election also broke down some barriers, as he was the first Catholic president (still waiting on the first black and/or Jew). However, a closer look reveals that the most fascinating part of the short-lived "Camelot" presidency of our first "rock star president" is the mystery surrounding his assassination.


Five Worst

5) Ronald Reagan - That's right, Ronald Ray-Gun. Forgetting the fact that, due to early Alzheimer's, he probably didn't know how to put on his own socks during the final years of his presidency, Reagan laughably gets almost sole credit for ending the Cold War. He also gets credit here for making the middle class nonexistent with policies that created two Americas that Clinton valiantly tried to re-link.

4) Jimmy Carter - Whenever I get into a worthy debate with an endangered species known as an independent-thinking Republican, they always nail me when they throw the peanut farmer in my face. Thanks, Jimmy. For you, there is no defense.

3) William Henry Harrison - Who? Enough said.

2) James Buchanan - The only president from our state was an abject failure whose efforts to quell North-South tensions leading up to the Civil War were, at best, lame. He was wishy-washy on the issue of slavery, saying he was against it while appeasing Southerners by saying the practice was somehow protected under the Constitution. He also wanted to purchase Cuba, which would have given us some great baseball players and another place to vacation, but another slave state.

1) XXXXXX X. XXXX - I refuse to use his name, but you know the guy all too well. Just go to the "Internets" and search "miserable failure" on "the Google." There is only one president with the distinction of popping right up (even if it's full of explanations why he no longer pops right up). Not near a computer? OK ... here's more. He is the son of another ineffective president - and we're not talking about John and John Quincy Adams - and he has a brother or two who may want to grow up to be president one day also. But don't worry, we don't have kings or royal families in this country. Or do we?

Notably Missing: Richard Nixon. He said he wasn't a crook and he was a crook, leaving us with what was actually an overdue widespread mistrust of national politicians who, as Woody Allen's character Alvy Singer put it in the movie Annie Hall are "one notch below child molester" in society's moral pecking order. If he hadn't gotten caught, Nixon would have gone down as an above-average president. Since he did, let's just slot him in at below-average and leave it at that.